Ladies and gentlemen I give to you my glorious return to the blog-o-sphere. I'm wondering if I used that phrase correctly, as I have never used it before. I probably never will again either. I have just returned from a fairly lengthy sabbatical, during which I did extensive field research on the effects of mass quantities alcohol and drugs on the human psyche. The results are inconclusive, largely due to the fact that I don't remember much of them, or the research for that matter. But enough of these tasteless jokes about addiction and substance abuse, it's time to get back to abusing something far more entertaining: bad movies.
28 Weeks later is one of those movies that you see the sequel for and you know exactly what it is going to be. Zombies are going to be sprinting, cameras will be shaking, and a strange and uncomfortable feeling of hunger, because you've been watching zombies eat people for the past hour and man that's starting to get to you- I mean veiled disgust at all the gore, yeah that's it. Not that other part about it making me hungry, that totally didn't happen. Nevertheless the movie seems to be setting up for a traditional hyper-violent and cinematically disorienting film, but I was surprised to find that this was not the case.
The film was not only hyper-violent and cinematically disorienting but it was practically a "How To:" instructional video for screwing up a child for life. Just about every horrible thing that could happen to a child happens to the two young protagonists.
Now I know what you're thinking: "why the hell would Sam make jokes about child abuse?"
To that I answer: because they are hilarious in this context.
"But that kind of humor is hardly appropriate, Sam," you possible mumble aloud secretly wondering how it is I can predict your thoughts so well.
Don't blame me, I only call them like I see them.
Now that the fourth wall has been successfully demolished ("way to negate the premise," you smirk) I'll let you know exactly why it is that 28 Weeks later is an instructional film on how to mess a kid up for life, if you'll let me get on with the blog without further interruption.
"Sorry."
It's fine. Moving on.
The scene opens up with the heart-wrenching, literally more than metaphorically (this is after all a zombie movie), scene of a family being separated from each other in a quaint country cabin that is besieged by zombies. The father, realizing his wife and children are beyond saving does the noble thing and gets the hell out of there as fast as he can. 28 weeks passes and the children enter the film again. They find a "safe zone" that has been constructed for survivors during this lapse of time. They are reunited with the father, who was an integral part of the safe zone's construction, and all three are happy, or at least not completely terrified of the zombie threat. Of course, not being constantly plagued by the fear of being ripped limb from limb by zombies is not enough for the 15 year old daughter and 11 year old son, they want some creature comforts from their old home. And convenience of conveniences the safe zone is just a few blocks from their old house! So the two decide to nip-off and to just grab a few things. But upon entering their old home they find something much better than mementos and keepsakes, they find their mother! This is the same mother who the father has now convinced the children was torn asunder by zombies. The plot... she thickens... and gets ever more twisted and hard to follow.
And it's about to get crazier when the military shows up and physically tears the grief stricken and probably insane mother away from the children as she grasps for them and screams and they do the same. You know, cause they're the establishment. And they only want to hurt you. This is the last thing the children see of their mother for the entire movie. Now here's where it starts to get really weird. The father is stricken with guilt for leaving his wife to die, but elated that she is back, so he plants a big ol' kiss on her passed out form while she's being screened for the virus. Turns out the mother was infected but was just a carrier for the zombie virus and so now the dad is a zombie and the safe zone is no longer safe. Also the father eats the mother, but the kids don't see that so it's not quite so bad, but I'm pretty sure they see her mangled torn apart corps later on in the movie so I'm gonna chalk that up on the trauma score board. Now that there is an outbreak in the safe zone the children and the viewers are subjected to massive amounts violence, flashing lights, shaky-cams, and really atrocious cinematography. Seriously, when are film-makers going to learn that grey-scale only transmits grief and depression if it is used in contrast to things that are NOT grey-scale. Blood doesn't count.
"Sam so far you have just described a pretty average horror movie, and I fail to see how any of this is applicable as DIY child traumatizing as zombies don't exist."
It's a humor blog remember? Plus I'm not finished, I know its dense but I've only gotten you through half of the movie, now the really weird stuff starts.
"I still don't think you're reviewing so much as cracking lame jokes."
Maybe you should just let me finish.
"Fine"
Hush.
SO continuing on, as only half the movie has elapsed and so far there is no REAL plot other than kids being terrified and people being rent asunder something new needs to happen. Enter the military surrogate mother and father. Two soldiers, easily identifiable as good individuals as they don't wear helmets like all the other soldiers or have terrifying facial scars, find the children and naturally assuming they are the only survivors try and get them to safety. The new father figure guides them to safety and things are looking marginally better, that is until they all have to run behind a helicopter that lowers its blades and mows a path for them through a crowd of infected. They are literally showered with blood and little tiny bits of people. THEN the find themselves in the middle of a nerve gas storm and the father figure has to get out of the car they took refuge in to push start it. to get it to safety. Also he is on fire. Yep. Guys with flame-throwers and gas masks burn to death their new father figure who is choking to death. So far these kids have gone through 2 dads in like the same day. But wait it gets even better.
They have to go down into the subway system, which of course has no lights. And of course no one has a flashlight so they are guided by the voice of the new mother figure who looks through the night vision scope of her gun. Oh also the escalator they are walking down to get to the subway system is flooded with dried up dead bodies. I haven't seen a child look so terrified since I looked in the mirror after I watched IT when I was 7 and realized the bathroom curtain behind me was pulled shut. I may have wet myself I was so scared. So I will give points to the young women who played the daughter, she looked pretty damn terrified and with good reason. Of course the director is not satisfied with this. The characters can still feel fear, they are not totally broken yet, so in a flash of horror, they all fall down the escalator and get separated. I mean you have two youngsters, walking in total darkness over the corpses of hundreds of people, of course they will fall. Movie ends right? Depressing ending of nothingness and futility? Oh hell no that's far to intelligent for this movie. Plus those kids are not nearly traumatized enough yet.
So they listen in the utter darkness as their new mother figure is beaten to death with the gun. The daughter then finds the gun and when she does she hears her brother scream as something has a hold of him. She turns the scope to his direction, and what should it be attacking the young boy? What was it exactly that beat the female soldier to death in an incredibly brutal fashion? Who else but her REAL DAD. Yessir, it wasn't bad enough that he got infected and is now a zombie and attacking his own son. Man that kid is never come back from this in one mental piece. The daughter then has to shoot her own father, who is now directly responsible for ALL OF THE SIGNIFICANT DEATHS IN THIS MOVIE, save for that of the male soldier. So after killing her dad, she goes to check on her younger brother who was bitten and she can tell is infected, but just a carrier and not actually a zombie. What a relief. To bad if she tells anyone he's pretty much guaranteed to be killed or taken away forever for scientific study.
So this entire movie the supposed story line was what exactly? The kids must be safe? I don't think so. The entire point of this movie was as follow: we're going to make a movie that is just about how many horrible things can we do to children in one sitting. I'm fairly certain there would have been a scene about sexual abuse in there too if it weren't for time constraints or the fact that they did that in the last movie, and the didn't want to seem like a one trick pony. Because the first movie TOTALLY wasn't full of zombies that sprinted at you and wanted to eat your face. Or TOTALLY full of really over-done gore. They were pretty clearly trying to go in a new direction with this movie. I hate modern "horror" so much.
"Well Sam that was a waste of time, I just read the whole thing and you just gave me a synopsis without actually reviewing the movie."
No one said you have to read it, I do this for fun anyway.
"You suck."
Fine.
"..."
What?
"I did laugh a few times though."
tl;dr 28 weeks later is about as much fun to watch as psychologically scarring children for life. That isn't a joke either. It's not fun. This movie is bad.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, September 25, 2009
The Lost Boys- sorry I mean The Covenant.
I love "The Lost Boys". I don't care that it is about attractive bad-boy teenage vampires who ride motorcycles around in California. They are bad dudes, they kill without mercy, do whatever they want, and are generally all around rad guys that hate pesky younger brothers. "The Lost Boys" is an awesome movie. End of story.
You would think that with a movie like "The Lost Boys" already having been out for a substantial amount of time, a movie like "The Covenant" would have no trouble being just about the raddest thing to hit theaters since then. You would think that. Which is exactly why you bought that movie ticket in 2006. You, like many others, bought that ticket and sat down expecting to see badass wizard battles, powers like you couldn't imagine, and all of it being done by highschool playboys in Massachusettes. 'Hell yeah,' you thought grinning to yourself, 'this movie is gonna be so rad.' You then proceeded to sit for 93 minutes and wait for that rad movie to start, hoping to god that whatever you were watching was just a really long preview for another movie that so happened to be called "The Covenant."
Shocked you left the theater, wondering just where that 9 dollars you spent on a ticket went, and more importantly what had just happened on that big glowing screen in front of you. Was it a movie? You can't really be sure, you think there was a plot but then again you were pretty distracted by the terribly written and delivered one liners like "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!" or "I'm gonna make you my Wi-otch!" There was kind of a romance, but really again you're not sure seeing as while the main character Caleb did seem to be pretty into that cute blonde chick, he does spend all of his time with other really attractive, well muscled, clever, sharp dressed guys who tend to hang out in noisy bars full of other men where girls sit quietly and chat with each other. But, that wasn't romance that was -gasp- A BROMANCE!
A Bromance, for those who don't already know, is not slang for two men who love each other romantically and have a fulfilling relationship with each other (ie your average gay couple). A bromance is when there are a bunch of dudes who hang out together, look their best together, impress girls together, and are so close they're like brothers. Also they are all remorseless douches.
The Covenant is about one such bromance, 4 guys who are the eldest boys in their family (families of really old money mind you), who party together, hang out together, and are generally the school bad-boys, cause nothing says bad-boy like a trustfund. Also they're witches. Did I forget to mention that earlier on? Yeah these guys aren't wizards or even warlocks. They're witches. Allow me to elaborate, apparently in Ipswich there were these five families and all of them were accused of witchcraft but only one of them got killed off because of said accusations. So the bloodline of the four families continued to this day, what would make sense is that the families all carry the trait of witchcraft, but apparently "the power" as it's called only passes to the eldest male son, dispite the fact that most of the witches burned during what I like to call the "witch-huntin' days" were female this movie wants us to believe that girls can't actually do magic. Ok, fine I'll buy that; I mean we are talking about the Dark Ages of America here, it's not like common sense was running as rampant as superstition was.
So that's the premise of the movie. We're also introduced to the new boy at school within the first five minutes of the movie, who is just as douche-bag looking as the 4 bros we the viewers are now familiar with. Within the first ten there is a really creepy scene in which the female lead is stalked in the shower by a guy made of steam, as well as some kind of supernatural murder. Now this is not something our 4 bros would do, who could have done such a thing? It's fairly obvious from the get go. In fact everything is fairly obvious from the get go except for one thing.
Why in the name of all that is good in cinema is this stuff happening?
It's never really clear why the fifth boy witch (the new guy if you hadn't guessed) comes back into the picture until the end of the movie. There were plenty of times at which this fifth family line could have been addressed, what possible deep seated hatred there may be for the other four familes, ANYTHING. But there isn't, just a "I bet this would be a good plot twist..." type of story. I blame this on the writing, less because the writing is bad (which it most definitely is) and more because the writing decided to take a quick break from thriller/mystery to shift into cheesy romance. It's an unneeded side plot, in fact I'm pretty sure the only reason there is a romance in the movie is to reassure the audience that the 4 boy witches are in fact straight.
tl;dr
Just go rent The Lost Boys, you'll like it more I promise. It has Jack Bauer in it.
You would think that with a movie like "The Lost Boys" already having been out for a substantial amount of time, a movie like "The Covenant" would have no trouble being just about the raddest thing to hit theaters since then. You would think that. Which is exactly why you bought that movie ticket in 2006. You, like many others, bought that ticket and sat down expecting to see badass wizard battles, powers like you couldn't imagine, and all of it being done by highschool playboys in Massachusettes. 'Hell yeah,' you thought grinning to yourself, 'this movie is gonna be so rad.' You then proceeded to sit for 93 minutes and wait for that rad movie to start, hoping to god that whatever you were watching was just a really long preview for another movie that so happened to be called "The Covenant."
Shocked you left the theater, wondering just where that 9 dollars you spent on a ticket went, and more importantly what had just happened on that big glowing screen in front of you. Was it a movie? You can't really be sure, you think there was a plot but then again you were pretty distracted by the terribly written and delivered one liners like "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!" or "I'm gonna make you my Wi-otch!" There was kind of a romance, but really again you're not sure seeing as while the main character Caleb did seem to be pretty into that cute blonde chick, he does spend all of his time with other really attractive, well muscled, clever, sharp dressed guys who tend to hang out in noisy bars full of other men where girls sit quietly and chat with each other. But, that wasn't romance that was -gasp- A BROMANCE!
A Bromance, for those who don't already know, is not slang for two men who love each other romantically and have a fulfilling relationship with each other (ie your average gay couple). A bromance is when there are a bunch of dudes who hang out together, look their best together, impress girls together, and are so close they're like brothers. Also they are all remorseless douches.
The Covenant is about one such bromance, 4 guys who are the eldest boys in their family (families of really old money mind you), who party together, hang out together, and are generally the school bad-boys, cause nothing says bad-boy like a trustfund. Also they're witches. Did I forget to mention that earlier on? Yeah these guys aren't wizards or even warlocks. They're witches. Allow me to elaborate, apparently in Ipswich there were these five families and all of them were accused of witchcraft but only one of them got killed off because of said accusations. So the bloodline of the four families continued to this day, what would make sense is that the families all carry the trait of witchcraft, but apparently "the power" as it's called only passes to the eldest male son, dispite the fact that most of the witches burned during what I like to call the "witch-huntin' days" were female this movie wants us to believe that girls can't actually do magic. Ok, fine I'll buy that; I mean we are talking about the Dark Ages of America here, it's not like common sense was running as rampant as superstition was.
So that's the premise of the movie. We're also introduced to the new boy at school within the first five minutes of the movie, who is just as douche-bag looking as the 4 bros we the viewers are now familiar with. Within the first ten there is a really creepy scene in which the female lead is stalked in the shower by a guy made of steam, as well as some kind of supernatural murder. Now this is not something our 4 bros would do, who could have done such a thing? It's fairly obvious from the get go. In fact everything is fairly obvious from the get go except for one thing.
Why in the name of all that is good in cinema is this stuff happening?
It's never really clear why the fifth boy witch (the new guy if you hadn't guessed) comes back into the picture until the end of the movie. There were plenty of times at which this fifth family line could have been addressed, what possible deep seated hatred there may be for the other four familes, ANYTHING. But there isn't, just a "I bet this would be a good plot twist..." type of story. I blame this on the writing, less because the writing is bad (which it most definitely is) and more because the writing decided to take a quick break from thriller/mystery to shift into cheesy romance. It's an unneeded side plot, in fact I'm pretty sure the only reason there is a romance in the movie is to reassure the audience that the 4 boy witches are in fact straight.
tl;dr
Just go rent The Lost Boys, you'll like it more I promise. It has Jack Bauer in it.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Fear and Murders in Ireland
I know it's been a while, and I did have this review up under another name for a while but it wasn't as good as I had hoped and I re-read it a few times and it was just, well, bad. So I'm giving it another shot.
Shrooms is a movie that depends on one thing, believing that the people in the movie are actually tripping on shrooms. Psilocybin mushrooms, or more commonly known as magic mushrooms, even more commonly known as shrooms, are mushrooms that cause hallucinations, both aural and visual. It's an entirely natural occurring drug, a drug that grows on cow dung. Old cow dung. So it's hardly the most romantic of the recreational drugs to film a movie about. The nearest I can figure is that the creators realized this, so made a horror movie about shrooms. Which actually could be a really interesting movie. Really, not a joke this time, I was thinking this movie may not be bad enough too review. A movie about people going crazy on bad trips and not understanding what is going on, why it is happening, and murdering just about everyone in the movie because they are tripping so badly, could be at least highly entertaining.
Unfortunately, this movie doesn't do that.
Instead of playing up the absolute loss of control induced by taking shrooms they introduce a new element, a made up shroom called the "Death's Head Fungi." Now a drug that already can make you think that trees are dancing is an intense enough drug that you don't need to make it "scarier". Apparently the creators disagreed, and so they created a shroom that grows once every seven years, and causes your heart to explode, and if you some how manage to live you will have a psychotic break. A murderous psychotic break, ooooo scaaaary. Well let me be clearer, according to a local legend, only one murderous rampage happened, it was one a sadistic catholic monk who worked at a school for troubled boys. He was fed seven pounds of these "Death's Head Fungi" and killed a bunch of people in terrible ways. I should also mention that the main character is catholic schoolgirl goody-two shoes. She also eats one of these super-shrooms.
I'm not going to reveal the "big twist" but I'm sure you can all figure it out.
The biggest flaw of the movie is actually the "trips" themselves. The movie only has one really interesting "trip" in it, and it actually doesn't even happen because it turns out that the trip was a dream sequence. The characters while tripping really don't seem to be hallucinating much. And when they do hallucinate it's not like a real hallucination is a very bland: "You see a person who isn't really there, and oh boy do they look ominus" sort of hallucination. When I think of a drug trip, hell when just about any movie viewer worth their salt thinks of a drug trip in movies, they think of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Nothing was simple, it was big bold, and frankly pretty accurate to what can happen to you when you take hardcore psychedelics. I understand, this was a low budget movie, they had to work with what they had. But I'm pretty sure that you can do better than a blue filter and some blurring effects. I'm also pretty sure that no one on shrooms can speak nearly as articulately or clearly as the people in the movie did.
That's what I love about a movie like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, it's a movie that does not shy away from showing you how scary a drug can actually be, how much of a yammering idiot you can look like. Shrooms doesn't do this, it passes off some cheap effects as being trips, and has clean healthy, alert looking individuals who do not look like they have had any experience with a psychedelic drug in their life. Maybe the rakish looking Irish rogue character, but that might be pushing it.
tl;dr
Watch this movie if you want to be convinced that psychedelics will make you a murderer.
Shrooms is a movie that depends on one thing, believing that the people in the movie are actually tripping on shrooms. Psilocybin mushrooms, or more commonly known as magic mushrooms, even more commonly known as shrooms, are mushrooms that cause hallucinations, both aural and visual. It's an entirely natural occurring drug, a drug that grows on cow dung. Old cow dung. So it's hardly the most romantic of the recreational drugs to film a movie about. The nearest I can figure is that the creators realized this, so made a horror movie about shrooms. Which actually could be a really interesting movie. Really, not a joke this time, I was thinking this movie may not be bad enough too review. A movie about people going crazy on bad trips and not understanding what is going on, why it is happening, and murdering just about everyone in the movie because they are tripping so badly, could be at least highly entertaining.
Unfortunately, this movie doesn't do that.
Instead of playing up the absolute loss of control induced by taking shrooms they introduce a new element, a made up shroom called the "Death's Head Fungi." Now a drug that already can make you think that trees are dancing is an intense enough drug that you don't need to make it "scarier". Apparently the creators disagreed, and so they created a shroom that grows once every seven years, and causes your heart to explode, and if you some how manage to live you will have a psychotic break. A murderous psychotic break, ooooo scaaaary. Well let me be clearer, according to a local legend, only one murderous rampage happened, it was one a sadistic catholic monk who worked at a school for troubled boys. He was fed seven pounds of these "Death's Head Fungi" and killed a bunch of people in terrible ways. I should also mention that the main character is catholic schoolgirl goody-two shoes. She also eats one of these super-shrooms.
I'm not going to reveal the "big twist" but I'm sure you can all figure it out.
The biggest flaw of the movie is actually the "trips" themselves. The movie only has one really interesting "trip" in it, and it actually doesn't even happen because it turns out that the trip was a dream sequence. The characters while tripping really don't seem to be hallucinating much. And when they do hallucinate it's not like a real hallucination is a very bland: "You see a person who isn't really there, and oh boy do they look ominus" sort of hallucination. When I think of a drug trip, hell when just about any movie viewer worth their salt thinks of a drug trip in movies, they think of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Nothing was simple, it was big bold, and frankly pretty accurate to what can happen to you when you take hardcore psychedelics. I understand, this was a low budget movie, they had to work with what they had. But I'm pretty sure that you can do better than a blue filter and some blurring effects. I'm also pretty sure that no one on shrooms can speak nearly as articulately or clearly as the people in the movie did.
That's what I love about a movie like Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, it's a movie that does not shy away from showing you how scary a drug can actually be, how much of a yammering idiot you can look like. Shrooms doesn't do this, it passes off some cheap effects as being trips, and has clean healthy, alert looking individuals who do not look like they have had any experience with a psychedelic drug in their life. Maybe the rakish looking Irish rogue character, but that might be pushing it.
tl;dr
Watch this movie if you want to be convinced that psychedelics will make you a murderer.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Alien vs. Hunter
I don't know where to start.
Honestly, I have no idea where to even begin with this review. I knew I'd have trouble as this is the first review I've written on here, but I had no idea it would be this difficult. It is partially because this is the first blog, but mostly because Alien vs Hunter is just so bad. When I first was hypothesizing what to write about I had this idea, three basic elements of bad movies (writing, acting, and directing) and how those were displayed in each film I was going to write about. Alien vs Hunter changed that. Before I was even able to establish a semi-base for my blog it has been redefined. True, I could just stop, re-watch the movie and take copious amounts of notes for what would be humorous to bring up, why each scene was atrocious, how I found myself engaged not because of the plot but because I honestly had no idea what was going on. Hell I could even spend an entire blog on the ending of this movie, but after watching it I'm starting to think there would be no point in putting myself through that.
But I'm gonna try. Beginning the second watching now.
**85 minutes later**
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
I'm in pain, watching this movie hurts. When I saw "Alien vs. Hunter" on the shelf of the video store I go to I was smitten. This will be the perfect kick-off review. It's a ripoff of a fan-service movie, the box art is almost identical to that of "Alien vs. Predator," and the only thing resembling a tag-line is "Battlezone Earth." which is so close to Battlefield Earth that I nearly exploded in sheer glee.
"This is it," I said to myself, "this will truly be the best of the worst movies. I must have it." I shuffled it in with the rest of my DVDs trying to look casual. I felt dirty like I was renting a porno, that's how bad this movie looked. As you may have guessed, it did not disappoint.
It begins, not with a space battle, not with any sort of introduction that would lead you to believe that this was a movie about Aliens or hunters. It opens up with gorgeous aerial shots that last for less then 30 seconds in total and an electric guitar jamming out in the background. This is the best part of the movie. The best part of the entire film is the first 22 seconds. It immediatly goes down hill from there. The next shot is an old guy, late 40s at least, jogging in the middle of a stretch of road in black sweatpants and a sleaveless red t-shirt, man-boobs flopping as he holds his iPod, presumably playing that bitchin' guitar we are still listening to. When suddenly a CG line of smoke crashes in the distance behind him. More jogging, more flopping man-boobs.
A police car rolls up next to him, correction a green Honda SUV rolls up next to him while a police siren wails. No police lights anywhere on the car, no markings to signify that it has anything to do with the police. Just a dude in a rent-a-cop uniform and aviators behind the wheel. Let's just suspend our disbelief though an see where this takes us. Banter ensues, dubbed banter. BADLY dubbed banter, in fact almost every scene in this movie is dubbed, it is not a foreign film, the lip synch of the dubbing is terrible though. But hey it's still early right? Maybe it'll get better.
Skip to the next scene, exterior: RV where man-boobs, now established as Lee, says he will look in the back. Where he immediately sees a crashed space-ship. complete with smoke and burning sounds. How they missed this driving up to the RV I don't know. Ok, I've got to stop now.
You have a fairly good idea of what to expect from the rest of the movie, it does not get any better. In fact it gets a lot worse. Including the fade out of three survivors walking away laughing. I'd love to say this is a farce, but honestly I can't.
tl;dr
Rent this movie if you are a masochist.
Honestly, I have no idea where to even begin with this review. I knew I'd have trouble as this is the first review I've written on here, but I had no idea it would be this difficult. It is partially because this is the first blog, but mostly because Alien vs Hunter is just so bad. When I first was hypothesizing what to write about I had this idea, three basic elements of bad movies (writing, acting, and directing) and how those were displayed in each film I was going to write about. Alien vs Hunter changed that. Before I was even able to establish a semi-base for my blog it has been redefined. True, I could just stop, re-watch the movie and take copious amounts of notes for what would be humorous to bring up, why each scene was atrocious, how I found myself engaged not because of the plot but because I honestly had no idea what was going on. Hell I could even spend an entire blog on the ending of this movie, but after watching it I'm starting to think there would be no point in putting myself through that.
But I'm gonna try. Beginning the second watching now.
**85 minutes later**
Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
I'm in pain, watching this movie hurts. When I saw "Alien vs. Hunter" on the shelf of the video store I go to I was smitten. This will be the perfect kick-off review. It's a ripoff of a fan-service movie, the box art is almost identical to that of "Alien vs. Predator," and the only thing resembling a tag-line is "Battlezone Earth." which is so close to Battlefield Earth that I nearly exploded in sheer glee.
"This is it," I said to myself, "this will truly be the best of the worst movies. I must have it." I shuffled it in with the rest of my DVDs trying to look casual. I felt dirty like I was renting a porno, that's how bad this movie looked. As you may have guessed, it did not disappoint.
It begins, not with a space battle, not with any sort of introduction that would lead you to believe that this was a movie about Aliens or hunters. It opens up with gorgeous aerial shots that last for less then 30 seconds in total and an electric guitar jamming out in the background. This is the best part of the movie. The best part of the entire film is the first 22 seconds. It immediatly goes down hill from there. The next shot is an old guy, late 40s at least, jogging in the middle of a stretch of road in black sweatpants and a sleaveless red t-shirt, man-boobs flopping as he holds his iPod, presumably playing that bitchin' guitar we are still listening to. When suddenly a CG line of smoke crashes in the distance behind him. More jogging, more flopping man-boobs.
A police car rolls up next to him, correction a green Honda SUV rolls up next to him while a police siren wails. No police lights anywhere on the car, no markings to signify that it has anything to do with the police. Just a dude in a rent-a-cop uniform and aviators behind the wheel. Let's just suspend our disbelief though an see where this takes us. Banter ensues, dubbed banter. BADLY dubbed banter, in fact almost every scene in this movie is dubbed, it is not a foreign film, the lip synch of the dubbing is terrible though. But hey it's still early right? Maybe it'll get better.
Skip to the next scene, exterior: RV where man-boobs, now established as Lee, says he will look in the back. Where he immediately sees a crashed space-ship. complete with smoke and burning sounds. How they missed this driving up to the RV I don't know. Ok, I've got to stop now.
You have a fairly good idea of what to expect from the rest of the movie, it does not get any better. In fact it gets a lot worse. Including the fade out of three survivors walking away laughing. I'd love to say this is a farce, but honestly I can't.
tl;dr
Rent this movie if you are a masochist.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
