Alien vs. Hunter

I don't know where to start.

Honestly, I have no idea where to even begin with this review. I knew I'd have trouble as this is the first review I've written on here, but I had no idea it would be this difficult. It is partially because this is the first blog, but mostly because Alien vs Hunter is just so bad. When I first was hypothesizing what to write about I had this idea, three basic elements of bad movies (writing, acting, and directing) and how those were displayed in each film I was going to write about. Alien vs Hunter changed that. Before I was even able to establish a semi-base for my blog it has been redefined. True, I could just stop, re-watch the movie and take copious amounts of notes for what would be humorous to bring up, why each scene was atrocious, how I found myself engaged not because of the plot but because I honestly had no idea what was going on. Hell I could even spend an entire blog on the ending of this movie, but after watching it I'm starting to think there would be no point in putting myself through that.

But I'm gonna try. Beginning the second watching now.

**85 minutes later**

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

I'm in pain, watching this movie hurts. When I saw "Alien vs. Hunter" on the shelf of the video store I go to I was smitten. This will be the perfect kick-off review. It's a ripoff of a fan-service movie, the box art is almost identical to that of "Alien vs. Predator," and the only thing resembling a tag-line is "Battlezone Earth." which is so close to Battlefield Earth that I nearly exploded in sheer glee.

"This is it," I said to myself, "this will truly be the best of the worst movies. I must have it." I shuffled it in with the rest of my DVDs trying to look casual. I felt dirty like I was renting a porno, that's how bad this movie looked. As you may have guessed, it did not disappoint.

It begins, not with a space battle, not with any sort of introduction that would lead you to believe that this was a movie about Aliens or hunters. It opens up with gorgeous aerial shots that last for less then 30 seconds in total and an electric guitar jamming out in the background. This is the best part of the movie. The best part of the entire film is the first 22 seconds. It immediatly goes down hill from there. The next shot is an old guy, late 40s at least, jogging in the middle of a stretch of road in black sweatpants and a sleaveless red t-shirt, man-boobs flopping as he holds his iPod, presumably playing that bitchin' guitar we are still listening to. When suddenly a CG line of smoke crashes in the distance behind him. More jogging, more flopping man-boobs.

A police car rolls up next to him, correction a green Honda SUV rolls up next to him while a police siren wails. No police lights anywhere on the car, no markings to signify that it has anything to do with the police. Just a dude in a rent-a-cop uniform and aviators behind the wheel. Let's just suspend our disbelief though an see where this takes us. Banter ensues, dubbed banter. BADLY dubbed banter, in fact almost every scene in this movie is dubbed, it is not a foreign film, the lip synch of the dubbing is terrible though. But hey it's still early right? Maybe it'll get better.

Skip to the next scene, exterior: RV where man-boobs, now established as Lee, says he will look in the back. Where he immediately sees a crashed space-ship. complete with smoke and burning sounds. How they missed this driving up to the RV I don't know. Ok, I've got to stop now.

You have a fairly good idea of what to expect from the rest of the movie, it does not get any better. In fact it gets a lot worse. Including the fade out of three survivors walking away laughing. I'd love to say this is a farce, but honestly I can't.

tl;dr

Rent this movie if you are a masochist.