The Lost Boys- sorry I mean The Covenant.

I love "The Lost Boys". I don't care that it is about attractive bad-boy teenage vampires who ride motorcycles around in California. They are bad dudes, they kill without mercy, do whatever they want, and are generally all around rad guys that hate pesky younger brothers. "The Lost Boys" is an awesome movie. End of story.

You would think that with a movie like "The Lost Boys" already having been out for a substantial amount of time, a movie like "The Covenant" would have no trouble being just about the raddest thing to hit theaters since then. You would think that. Which is exactly why you bought that movie ticket in 2006. You, like many others, bought that ticket and sat down expecting to see badass wizard battles, powers like you couldn't imagine, and all of it being done by highschool playboys in Massachusettes. 'Hell yeah,' you thought grinning to yourself, 'this movie is gonna be so rad.' You then proceeded to sit for 93 minutes and wait for that rad movie to start, hoping to god that whatever you were watching was just a really long preview for another movie that so happened to be called "The Covenant."

Shocked you left the theater, wondering just where that 9 dollars you spent on a ticket went, and more importantly what had just happened on that big glowing screen in front of you. Was it a movie? You can't really be sure, you think there was a plot but then again you were pretty distracted by the terribly written and delivered one liners like "Harry Potter can kiss my ass!" or "I'm gonna make you my Wi-otch!" There was kind of a romance, but really again you're not sure seeing as while the main character Caleb did seem to be pretty into that cute blonde chick, he does spend all of his time with other really attractive, well muscled, clever, sharp dressed guys who tend to hang out in noisy bars full of other men where girls sit quietly and chat with each other. But, that wasn't romance that was -gasp- A BROMANCE!

A Bromance, for those who don't already know, is not slang for two men who love each other romantically and have a fulfilling relationship with each other (ie your average gay couple). A bromance is when there are a bunch of dudes who hang out together, look their best together, impress girls together, and are so close they're like brothers. Also they are all remorseless douches.

The Covenant is about one such bromance, 4 guys who are the eldest boys in their family (families of really old money mind you), who party together, hang out together, and are generally the school bad-boys, cause nothing says bad-boy like a trustfund. Also they're witches. Did I forget to mention that earlier on? Yeah these guys aren't wizards or even warlocks. They're witches. Allow me to elaborate, apparently in Ipswich there were these five families and all of them were accused of witchcraft but only one of them got killed off because of said accusations. So the bloodline of the four families continued to this day, what would make sense is that the families all carry the trait of witchcraft, but apparently "the power" as it's called only passes to the eldest male son, dispite the fact that most of the witches burned during what I like to call the "witch-huntin' days" were female this movie wants us to believe that girls can't actually do magic. Ok, fine I'll buy that; I mean we are talking about the Dark Ages of America here, it's not like common sense was running as rampant as superstition was.

So that's the premise of the movie. We're also introduced to the new boy at school within the first five minutes of the movie, who is just as douche-bag looking as the 4 bros we the viewers are now familiar with. Within the first ten there is a really creepy scene in which the female lead is stalked in the shower by a guy made of steam, as well as some kind of supernatural murder. Now this is not something our 4 bros would do, who could have done such a thing? It's fairly obvious from the get go. In fact everything is fairly obvious from the get go except for one thing.
Why in the name of all that is good in cinema is this stuff happening?

It's never really clear why the fifth boy witch (the new guy if you hadn't guessed) comes back into the picture until the end of the movie. There were plenty of times at which this fifth family line could have been addressed, what possible deep seated hatred there may be for the other four familes, ANYTHING. But there isn't, just a "I bet this would be a good plot twist..." type of story. I blame this on the writing, less because the writing is bad (which it most definitely is) and more because the writing decided to take a quick break from thriller/mystery to shift into cheesy romance. It's an unneeded side plot, in fact I'm pretty sure the only reason there is a romance in the movie is to reassure the audience that the 4 boy witches are in fact straight.

tl;dr

Just go rent The Lost Boys, you'll like it more I promise. It has Jack Bauer in it.