28 Weeks Later, and I'm still bored by this franchise

Ladies and gentlemen I give to you my glorious return to the blog-o-sphere. I'm wondering if I used that phrase correctly, as I have never used it before. I probably never will again either. I have just returned from a fairly lengthy sabbatical, during which I did extensive field research on the effects of mass quantities alcohol and drugs on the human psyche. The results are inconclusive, largely due to the fact that I don't remember much of them, or the research for that matter. But enough of these tasteless jokes about addiction and substance abuse, it's time to get back to abusing something far more entertaining: bad movies.

28 Weeks later is one of those movies that you see the sequel for and you know exactly what it is going to be. Zombies are going to be sprinting, cameras will be shaking, and a strange and uncomfortable feeling of hunger, because you've been watching zombies eat people for the past hour and man that's starting to get to you- I mean veiled disgust at all the gore, yeah that's it. Not that other part about it making me hungry, that totally didn't happen. Nevertheless the movie seems to be setting up for a traditional hyper-violent and cinematically disorienting film, but I was surprised to find that this was not the case.

The film was not only hyper-violent and cinematically disorienting but it was practically a "How To:" instructional video for screwing up a child for life. Just about every horrible thing that could happen to a child happens to the two young protagonists.

Now I know what you're thinking: "why the hell would Sam make jokes about child abuse?"

To that I answer: because they are hilarious in this context.

"But that kind of humor is hardly appropriate, Sam," you possible mumble aloud secretly wondering how it is I can predict your thoughts so well.

Don't blame me, I only call them like I see them.

Now that the fourth wall has been successfully demolished ("way to negate the premise," you smirk) I'll let you know exactly why it is that 28 Weeks later is an instructional film on how to mess a kid up for life, if you'll let me get on with the blog without further interruption.

"Sorry."

It's fine. Moving on.

The scene opens up with the heart-wrenching, literally more than metaphorically (this is after all a zombie movie), scene of a family being separated from each other in a quaint country cabin that is besieged by zombies. The father, realizing his wife and children are beyond saving does the noble thing and gets the hell out of there as fast as he can. 28 weeks passes and the children enter the film again. They find a "safe zone" that has been constructed for survivors during this lapse of time. They are reunited with the father, who was an integral part of the safe zone's construction, and all three are happy, or at least not completely terrified of the zombie threat. Of course, not being constantly plagued by the fear of being ripped limb from limb by zombies is not enough for the 15 year old daughter and 11 year old son, they want some creature comforts from their old home. And convenience of conveniences the safe zone is just a few blocks from their old house! So the two decide to nip-off and to just grab a few things. But upon entering their old home they find something much better than mementos and keepsakes, they find their mother! This is the same mother who the father has now convinced the children was torn asunder by zombies. The plot... she thickens... and gets ever more twisted and hard to follow.

And it's about to get crazier when the military shows up and physically tears the grief stricken and probably insane mother away from the children as she grasps for them and screams and they do the same. You know, cause they're the establishment. And they only want to hurt you. This is the last thing the children see of their mother for the entire movie. Now here's where it starts to get really weird. The father is stricken with guilt for leaving his wife to die, but elated that she is back, so he plants a big ol' kiss on her passed out form while she's being screened for the virus. Turns out the mother was infected but was just a carrier for the zombie virus and so now the dad is a zombie and the safe zone is no longer safe. Also the father eats the mother, but the kids don't see that so it's not quite so bad, but I'm pretty sure they see her mangled torn apart corps later on in the movie so I'm gonna chalk that up on the trauma score board. Now that there is an outbreak in the safe zone the children and the viewers are subjected to massive amounts violence, flashing lights, shaky-cams, and really atrocious cinematography. Seriously, when are film-makers going to learn that grey-scale only transmits grief and depression if it is used in contrast to things that are NOT grey-scale. Blood doesn't count.

"Sam so far you have just described a pretty average horror movie, and I fail to see how any of this is applicable as DIY child traumatizing as zombies don't exist."

It's a humor blog remember? Plus I'm not finished, I know its dense but I've only gotten you through half of the movie, now the really weird stuff starts.

"I still don't think you're reviewing so much as cracking lame jokes."

Maybe you should just let me finish.

"Fine"

Hush.

SO continuing on, as only half the movie has elapsed and so far there is no REAL plot other than kids being terrified and people being rent asunder something new needs to happen. Enter the military surrogate mother and father. Two soldiers, easily identifiable as good individuals as they don't wear helmets like all the other soldiers or have terrifying facial scars, find the children and naturally assuming they are the only survivors try and get them to safety. The new father figure guides them to safety and things are looking marginally better, that is until they all have to run behind a helicopter that lowers its blades and mows a path for them through a crowd of infected. They are literally showered with blood and little tiny bits of people. THEN the find themselves in the middle of a nerve gas storm and the father figure has to get out of the car they took refuge in to push start it. to get it to safety. Also he is on fire. Yep. Guys with flame-throwers and gas masks burn to death their new father figure who is choking to death. So far these kids have gone through 2 dads in like the same day. But wait it gets even better.

They have to go down into the subway system, which of course has no lights. And of course no one has a flashlight so they are guided by the voice of the new mother figure who looks through the night vision scope of her gun. Oh also the escalator they are walking down to get to the subway system is flooded with dried up dead bodies. I haven't seen a child look so terrified since I looked in the mirror after I watched IT when I was 7 and realized the bathroom curtain behind me was pulled shut. I may have wet myself I was so scared. So I will give points to the young women who played the daughter, she looked pretty damn terrified and with good reason. Of course the director is not satisfied with this. The characters can still feel fear, they are not totally broken yet, so in a flash of horror, they all fall down the escalator and get separated. I mean you have two youngsters, walking in total darkness over the corpses of hundreds of people, of course they will fall. Movie ends right? Depressing ending of nothingness and futility? Oh hell no that's far to intelligent for this movie. Plus those kids are not nearly traumatized enough yet.

So they listen in the utter darkness as their new mother figure is beaten to death with the gun. The daughter then finds the gun and when she does she hears her brother scream as something has a hold of him. She turns the scope to his direction, and what should it be attacking the young boy? What was it exactly that beat the female soldier to death in an incredibly brutal fashion? Who else but her REAL DAD. Yessir, it wasn't bad enough that he got infected and is now a zombie and attacking his own son. Man that kid is never come back from this in one mental piece. The daughter then has to shoot her own father, who is now directly responsible for ALL OF THE SIGNIFICANT DEATHS IN THIS MOVIE, save for that of the male soldier. So after killing her dad, she goes to check on her younger brother who was bitten and she can tell is infected, but just a carrier and not actually a zombie. What a relief. To bad if she tells anyone he's pretty much guaranteed to be killed or taken away forever for scientific study.

So this entire movie the supposed story line was what exactly? The kids must be safe? I don't think so. The entire point of this movie was as follow: we're going to make a movie that is just about how many horrible things can we do to children in one sitting. I'm fairly certain there would have been a scene about sexual abuse in there too if it weren't for time constraints or the fact that they did that in the last movie, and the didn't want to seem like a one trick pony. Because the first movie TOTALLY wasn't full of zombies that sprinted at you and wanted to eat your face. Or TOTALLY full of really over-done gore. They were pretty clearly trying to go in a new direction with this movie. I hate modern "horror" so much.

"Well Sam that was a waste of time, I just read the whole thing and you just gave me a synopsis without actually reviewing the movie."

No one said you have to read it, I do this for fun anyway.

"You suck."

Fine.

"..."

What?

"I did laugh a few times though."

tl;dr 28 weeks later is about as much fun to watch as psychologically scarring children for life. That isn't a joke either. It's not fun. This movie is bad.